What is it about the moon?

I’m 37+5 weeks now (well, for another half an hour, it’s late here), and I had my last day of work on Friday. I’d been feeling exhausted and floaty and not great, and I kind of wish I’d finished up earlier, but there it is. I feel much better now. I can focus, a little, though it still feels like there are way too many things to do. Monday was a holiday here, and today Felix had a visit to his new school, so I’ve actually only had one day of leave to myself so far. I want to NEST but so many corners of our house are in chaos since we cleared out the last of the stuff from our old house, and we actually have to throw a lot of it away to clear space to tidy everything up. And I can’t do heavy lifting. And our hall downstairs is clogged by an enormous disassembled bookshelf that I insisted we needed to bring back from the old house even though the new owners were quietly hoping we’d leave it there. I thought it would be perfect for the kids’ room. And it probably will, but we can’t erect it till we PAINT the kids’ room, because it will look terrible with the current charcoal colour on the walls in there. And I want to paint their room anyway, and have even bought the paint, but should this job be first on my list? Should I pay someone else to do it? Should I clean the bathroom and catch up on laundry instead? Not sure.

I need to buy a chest of drawers so I can wash and unpack our old baby clothes. I have been aware of this for months. I chose one last week and went to buy it on Tuesday, but it turns out you have to order it, and it takes three weeks. I asked about another one that I liked less – same deal. So now I have to check other furniture shops. Maybe on Friday. Maybe I can clear one of my own drawers for the baby in the meantime and at least get some clothes and blankets ready there… Maybe I could even begin to pack some sort of hospital bag…

I need to put the bassinet together. I need to buy a new mattress for it. I found some in the baby shop today but need to check the measurements. I feel this great buzz of undirected energy, but then I notice the kitchen is a mess, and stacking the dishwasher almost undoes me. Bending over things is not my favourite. I turn it on, then have a cup of tea and a piece of toast and blueberries even though I know they will give me horrific heartburn. They do.

You see I’m convinced I’ll get close to 42 weeks, as I did with the other two, but there are always moments when you wonder otherwise… (Sitting up in the green recliner at midnight with fierce Braxton Hicks, for example. But I remember this happened with Antonia too, and led nowhere…)

I’ve started walking religiously every evening as I did with Antonia. I started a little later this time, because it’s only just become light enough to walk in the evenings once the kids are asleep, and the weather in April was horrible. Freezing rain horrible. But May so far has been lovely and I’ve got myself into a rhythm for the past week or so. Of course we’ve moved house, so the walk is different. And it is the beginning of spring, not the end of summer. I walk up a hill, past farmhouses and fields, until I reach a paddock of horses. Two reddish, two brown, one white. A bit further down the road, I turn left, past more fields, and the sky. I see three deer in a field. I see a hare, bounding. I see a goose, honking and flapping. Most of all, there is birdsong, constant, a sea of it, lappingĀ in from the forest behind the fields. The sky, blue and pink and orange, sometimes charcoal as I return, is silhouetted by bare trees. The first leaves are just appearing now – a haze of green upon the birches, so delicate it really does look like mist, as though someone had breathed green dust all over them. And the moon. Sickle when I began, now just an edge over half full. I look up at it – over the fields, over the road, though the trees. My body feels round and the moon dreams of roundness. When, I wonder. When you have waxed and waned again? I cannot keep my eyes off her. As I tramp down the final hill she shines back cooly, clearly, through a gauzeĀ of pink cloud.