As Felix tumbles closer and closer to his six month birthday, I’m feeling more than usually reflective. Last night I read over some of the posts I wrote during his earliest days. I’m so glad I wrote them. Some of it I would have already forgotten, and even the photographs wouldn’t have brought it all back. It seems I am a hoarder of moments.

Things have been a wee bit stressful around here of late, as I’ve battled through a couple of ‘oh-my-parents-have-gone-back-to-Australia’ and ‘can-I-really-do-this-for-another-four-months’ slumps. The little guy is so constant, and sometimes when he wakes up from his midday nap, I think – how will I get through the afternoon? And I wish I had some family or some old friends I could call in on, but I pull myself together and walk back to the Barnes and Noble.

But after looking at those posts, I felt such a deep sense of calm and reassurance. They were such a lovely time – his first weeks in the world. Together, we had such purpose and focus, such wonder and joy. The house and the snowy landscape curled around us. (Of course, the photos of the snow are so beautiful that the memory edits out how utterly frustrated we were with the treacherous ice.)

The calm came back to me like breathing. Like the breathing I practiced before and during the birth, and during the first painful weeks of breastfeeding. Reminding me to just be present. For my little guy is truly lovely. We are here for four more months and I don’t want to wish this time away.

I can’t believe how small he was and what a different creature he was in the posts in February. And I know in six months time I will be amazed at how small he is now. Very soon I will write another post with everything I want to remember about him right now.

The other thing keeping me afloat is the ‘mom’s meetup group’ here. This week we met in a park one day, and went to the zoo another day, and last night we met in a Mexican restaurant in the evening for a baby shower. It was the first time I’d been out of the house in the evening without Felix. Walking out the door with just a handbag was a ridiculously exciting thing to do, and it was very nice indeed to talk to the other women without also constantly attending to our little ones. Some of us even wore dangly earrings.

Today I bought a new picnic rug with a waterproof back, which will make it much easier to sit under the tree outside our apartment when the grass is wet. And we walked to the park and sat on the new rug, and I read my book and Felix ate his, and the tree above us wriggled all its leaves.


2 thoughts on “Breathing

  1. Little book eaters are the BEST! I still get all tingly when I’m out after dark – even with my son – it feels so… I don’t know…other-worldly now. I’m so happy you’ve made friends. And have such beautiful blog posts to look back on. I do wish we were closer (which sounds ridiculous given how much closer we really are!) as my days are long, too. I’m not sure when/if our car will be in long-distance driving condition anytime soon, but I still hope we can meet up in the coming months. Until then, I’m wishing you peaceful, pleasant days.

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