Beginnings

Three in the morning. I look down in a sleepy haze at the little creature feeding at my side, feeding from my side, and I think incoherently – ‘but there’s only one of you! There isn’t two? I thought there were two.’ And then I realize that there are always two – him and me.

Or him and Michael. Michael took so many wonderful photos of Felix and me in the hospital, but I took hardly any of him. And he is so beautiful with him. I will try to take more.

The days are passing in a beautiful haze. Finally I understand why everyone warns you that with a newborn time slides and it is hard to do anything apart from the essentials. I get to the end of the day and realize I have not had the time to even look out the window. After all those weeks of waiting and gazing out windows. Mum is here with us and Michael has two weeks off work and we are doing so well, taking care of each other.

I feel so blessed that everything is going so well. There is so much to say but the words are hard to catch. Yesterday afternoon I lay in bed while Felix napped, too exhausted to sleep, writing in my head but too tired to fetch my computer or even a pen. Something about how I also understand now how everyone says – about poo and vomit and that sort of thing – that it’s different when it’s your own child. I always thought it would just be because you liked them better than anyone else’s child. But it’s not that. It’s that, at the moment, Felix feels like a sort of physical extension of myself. He is his own person. But when he vomited in my face on our first night home, I truly didn’t mind, because it’s like his physical functions are an extension of my own. The fluid he spat back at me had come from my own breasts. And then I wanted to write about how at the moment it feels that the borders of identity are permeable. Everything is leaking.

But now if I want to finish this post  (for which I have forsaken my chance to have a shower), I’d better just stick to a few more photos.

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9 thoughts on “Beginnings

  1. I love the photos. I’m so beyond thrilled for you and Michael. I’m also glad that he’s off work for a bit and that your mum is around to help out too. I can only imagine how both overwhelming and wonderful this experience is.

  2. Yes. Permeable borders of identity. JumbleBoy is now 4 and still I feel the way you do now. So precious. I know you know it, but I must say, Felix is perhaps the most gorgeous baby I’ve ever seen (and I have 3 new neices/nephews less than 3 months old to compare him to) :-). Blessings to you all.

  3. you know, people say everyone thinks their own newborn is the most beautiful thing ever,
    but Felix really is totally beautiful. He really is.

    That permeable bubble of selfhood at this time is precious. Its doesnt go away for a long long time…

  4. what a beautiful face! And what a lovely wardrobe, too. I particularly like the white knitted number. Looks as if you have the breastfeeding under control, too. Well done, you clever mother-and-son pair…

  5. oh thank you everyone. yes we think he is utterly beautiful! we can’t stop looking at him. he also makes the cutest sounds.

    it took felix and me a couple of days to get the hang of breastfeeding, but now it’s going pretty smoothly.

    and that knitted suit is our favourite too – it was a present from his great-grandma. she knitted the booties herself!

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